Not many people enjoy confrontations. Most of us avoid them by any means necessary!
Why is this? Probably because most of the time, we really just want to get along with people. We eschew the idea of making people upset or uncomfortable. Even more intensely, we hate the thought of losing our own cool. Yet, ironically, being able to confront someone successfully is a basic and necessary people skill.
What can you do to become better at successfully handling confrontational encounters? The best and simplest answer is the same solution to develop any skill: Practice. One reason that so many people hate confrontations is because they are simply not ‘good at it.’ Avoiding confrontation because you feel incompetent at handling it, however, guarantees that you will always be bad at it. Then, when a situation arises that you can’t sidestep , you will almost certainly resort to an emotionally-charged confrontation – which is what you must avoid if you are to confront someone successfully. So, by practicing confronting and disagreeing with people, you will become more and more comfortable with it, and ultimately very skilled at it.
How to practice.
To get in the habit of practicing confrontation, start small. Learn where your emotional threshold is by recognizing and taking opportunities to confront or disagree with people, on a low level at first. Start with relatively unimportant things: talk about a movie you liked or didn’t like, for example. At first you may need to disagree on purpose about something, even if you really don’t really feel strongly about the subject.
This is just an exercise for your benefit: you are testing your own emotional threshold. Once you are comfortable on a low level of confrontation, raise the bar. Work your way up to debating political issues. Discussing politics is a sure-fire way to test your emotional constitution. This is because most people correlate their political standing to beliefs and values that are core to their person. Practicing confrontation does not always have to depend on you actively bringing up topics, either. Look for situations where someone may say something potentially confrontational in a group setting. If you feel that it would be easier to say nothing, then DO say something. Take the opportunity to speak up – say what you feel about the subject. A very safe and effective way to practice is in Internet forums. Find an opinion editorial written by an online newspaper columnist on a controversial topic, and join in the discussion thread. This is guaranteed to test your threshold.
Now that you are practicing, keep at the forefront of your mind the first rule of confrontation: STAY CALM. You must keep your cool at all costs. Notice how many times I am referencing emotions in this article! Learn to keep a finger on the pulse of your emotions. If you find yourself getting increasingly upset, pull back from the confrontation. If you keep your cool, you have already been successful in the confrontation to a massive degree. Remember: the calmest heads control the conversation. To maintain your composure, try these tips:
-Step outside of yourself.
- Learn to separate yourself somewhat from your own emotions. Pretend to be watching the discourse from afar. This helps to remove some of the emotional sting.
-Wait before you respond.
- Allow yourself a brief pause before responding to the other person – even if it’s only for an instant. This will help you get into the habit of not reacting on an emotional level.
-Face your fears.
- One of the reasons we dislike confrontations is that we fear the other person’s demeanor. The anticipation of how someone will react to what we are saying is usually much worse than their actual reaction. Face your fearful anticipation and ignore it as much as possible – realize that their words, gestures, and facial expressions really can’t affect you unless you let them affect you.
-Prepare.
- As much as possible, prepare for the confrontation. Have a few basic points in mind, and resist letting the other person take you down irrelevant rabbit trails. This way, you will have logical things to say – not emotional things.
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These tips have helped me develop better confrontation skills. I hope you benefit from them as well!
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